There was a moment where I could just get my bags and leave, wearing my sweaty clothes. So what if we don’t have hot water in our apartment? At least at home I would be able to take a shower by myself. For a moment I just stood there, contemplating the idea of getting undressed in front of complete strangers. The women in the locker room got undressed as if it were normal. They walked to the public shower completely in the nude, as if it was natural to be naked in front of others. I felt insecure, naïve, and stupid for feeling as uncomfortable as I did. So what if I’m naked in front of strangers? They are women. They have exactly what I have.
There were several reasons for the feeling of fear that sat uncomfortably in the pit of my stomach. The first and foremost reason I was afraid was that I was the only Caucasian in an array of perfect, flawless, Asian women. I was the only one with stretch marks that self-consciously lined the sides of my hips and inner thighs. I was the only one with the curse of saddlebags and love handles. In that instance, I stood silently in front of my locker and criticized every visible flaw I had. If they see me in the street when I’m completely clothed, I wondered, are they going to stare and judge me now? I took the challenge. I slammed the insecurities back into my locker and started to undress, layer by layer.
I could still hear the fear whisper to me from the dark den of the locker. “You don’t need to do this. Just get your stuff and leave. They are going to stare at you and laugh. They will make jokes in Korean and you won’t understand them. They will point and judge how ugly your body looks. Why would you do this to yourself? You are already insecure. Why would you make the scar more visible?”
As I stood in the nude, I closed that voice away in the locker and locked the door with the key. I had to walk the long way to the shower. I walked past the full-length mirrors, where women were lined up–either still nude or in their underwear–drying their hair. I didn’t look at them, fearing that I would see a deer-in-the-headlights look on their faces in the shock of seeing me cross the room. Finally, I made it to the shower–the public shower. No curtains. No stalls. Just ten shower heads, and about six women showering. Everything was public. Nothing was hidden. Everything was visible. They even shared soap. I carried my own soap, shampoo, and conditioner, and placed it against the wall across from my shower head. The mirror in front of me was fogged, yet I could still see the outline of my image. It took me a good minute before I figured out how to work the shower so the water came out hot instead of cold. I took a deep breath, and started to shampoo my hair.
As the warm water trickled down my spine, the uncomfortable feeling of insecurity started to wash away with the suds of my shampoo.
I didn’t hear whispers. I didn’t see pointing. No one stared. It was me and six women in the nude, just showering. For the first time, I didn’t feel judged. For the first time, I felt comfortable being in my own skin–nude.
My idea of nudity has changed forever. Your body is a temple. Your body is your own. Your body should be your best friend, not your enemy. For so long, my body was this thing I tried to avoid–like the annoying, loud person at a party. I cut down my image everyday, yelling at it to run faster, feel more energy, be smarter, and look better. “Why can’t you just be beautiful!” I would rehearse the words to myself, like a line from a play, every morning as I applied the make up. The stage make up that covered up the insecure part of what made me me. I felt like that terrible mom who yells at her six-year-old at a beauty pageant. Cutting her down. Making her feel insecure.
Yet, your soul and body are meant to be one. You are meant to inspire, support, and love your body. Only the true and healthy are able to recognize this spiritual bond between body and soul. Your body will never leave you, lie to you, use you, or betray you if you don’t lie, leave, or betray your body. You must treat your body like a delicate jewel that has been placed before you to be shined and taken care of. Just like a flower, our body needs the essentials to survive and live: water, food, sleep, exercise, and even sunshine.
Fifteen minutes with women of a different culture, a different way of living, and a different way to see and feel things, made me realize I’ve been going about my life all wrong. I’ve feared something that I should have loved. I’ve pushed away something I should have been closest with. My body. My image. Myself. My soul.
I’m sure there will be days where the dark voice creeps back into my thoughts, reminding me of my past insecurities. Reminding me of the fact that I’m far from being perfect–that I have a long way to go before I could ever touch a hint of perfection. Yet, I will be thankful for those few days which I do hear the voice again. It will remind me to stay humble and be thankful for the days that my body and soul walk hand-in-hand.
To love and to trust who we are, are the biggest obstacles that many face. We must learn to accept and love who we are, to stop the emotional abusing that we subject ourselves to so often in our hidden places. To feel comfortable…..nude. Not only physically, but spiritually and emotionally. Embrace the self! Hold onto who you are. Start loving yourself and devote yourself to seeking the perfection within who YOU are. Once the bond is made, it will last forever–like a name written in dry cement, a signature signed in blood, an eternal contract made between your body and your soul.
vow this is awesome…i can imagine the world without clothes- how comfortable it would be and choas………ehehehehe but the art is awesome and you know the Indian temperature so its kinda usual situation here but its awesome to get a shower of itself..creative thought……thanks for sharing such incredible art…………you are wonderful…love and peace
This is so true. I’ve been to nude beaches, nude hot springs. It was so empowering, everyone just went about their own business, not caring what anyone looked like, just reveling in being nude in nature.
When I tell people that I love nude beaches, they look at me in shock. Their first thoughts turn immediately to sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. It all has to do with being one with your soul and nature.
Loved your insight.